eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
