There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
