What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
