Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
