You can't motorboat a personality
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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