the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
