my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
