tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Enjoy the penises
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
