my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
