We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
