I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
