This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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