Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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