He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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