I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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