you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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