My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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