dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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