I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
