Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
