Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
