She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
