shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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