separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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