dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
