just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
