I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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