Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
