I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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