Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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