the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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