Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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