margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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