no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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