After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
