and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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