we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
