woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
