ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
