OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
