Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
