so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
