I looked at my own cervix.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
