maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
