I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
