My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize