You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think your dad took our porno
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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