i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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