i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
