The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
