Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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