Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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