You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
