I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
