just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
