watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
