I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
